Friend, colleague and intimate

By Kyunthar Ngaman

We are people who live with friends. We have encountered childhood friends, colleagues and friends in various areas such as school classrooms, social fields and business fields in which we have been active and being caught after adulthood. The ones who were friends when we were young in schooldays are our closest friends. When I grow up and move in business and social fields, I also encounter and meet friends who are in conformity with my environment. I looked for friends among the people I have encountered. If I have to say it, I can generally sum up that all childhood friends and colleagues are friends. Even when we introduce a friend or a friend who is with us by chance to someone else, we often say, “This is my friend.” To be honest, the usage “friend” is very serious.

The Myanmar dictionary defines that the words: childhood friend; colleague; and friend are as follows:

1. Childhood friend: A person who has been associated and closely acquainted since childhood or a person who has become an intimate friend
2. Colleague: A person who have relationship with you as a friend
3. Intimate: A colleague who have friendship with you seeking mutual interests

If we are to say that the words “friend”, “colleague” and “intimate” seem to have the same meaning, the word “intimate” is seen to be much more serious. As a true friend, a colleague who is friendly with and seeks the benefit of each other, when we compare it to the “standards” that are generally defined as a good friend, we feel that there are many people who should be called friends and colleagues and just a few people who should be called intimate.

Regarding intimates, in the teachings of The Buddha, it is mentioned that a true friend is someone who has the following qualities:

1. He gives what is hard to give;
2. He does what is hard to do;
3. He endures what is hard to endure;
4. He reveals his secrets to you;
5. He keeps your secrets;
6. When misfortunes strike, he doesn’t abandon you; and
7. When you’re down and out, he doesn’t look down on you.

These are the seven characteristics of true friends that The Buddha set as the standard. I have been looking for friends who meet the criteria of good friends. Friends who meet the seven criteria mentioned above are rare. However, if they meet one or two of the seven criteria, they are not bad. However, there are friends like him but rare. Similarly, childhood friends can be said to be the best friends, but apart from one or two, I have never found a true friend. On the other hand, even if they are not childhood friends, I have found a good friend among the people whom I have made friends as I grow older. Especially as I get older, I longed for friends who exchange views on things bad or good. I longed for friends who can talk openly and discuss issues of life. But I did not found such a friend.

I have studied five duties of a friend in Sigalovada Sutta which shows the duties of parents, children, teachers, students, friends, etc.
Duties of a friend:

1. Giving and rewarding;
2. Treating one as an equal;
3. Serving one’s interests;
4. Sweet communication; and
5. Being faithful to each others.

When I observe my friends comparing them to the points mentioned in Sigalovada Sutta . I think about it just superficially. In making the observation in that way, I find some good colleagues who are the rare ones meeting the said seven qualities of a good friend. Even if I am down and out, they never look down upon me, treat me equally and help me as much as possible when I was in need. It is a happy moment.
Beside this, I also think about the reasons for losing friends. These reasons are:

1. Speaking inappropriately and behaving disrespectfully towards friends without thinking appropriately (such kind of behavior may be often done unintentionally. Although it is deliberately or inadvertently done based on being intimate one, you may be kept away from your friend and lose the friendship because such act is done over and over again);
2. Lack of decent communication (especially taking advantage of friendship in communicating with high-dignified, high-ranking people, doing so may lead to losing friends);
3. Absence of exchange of goods, gifts, or monetary gifts (This point is not very important. However, giving souvenirs to a friend on birthday or other special occasions will help boost the friendship); and
4. Too much asking for and borrowing (by doing so too much, no friend will have the patience. If done so over and again, your friend might become resentful)

While thinking about the standards and reasons for the loss of good friends, I also reconsider the experiences I encounter throughout my life. Did I follow the standards and ethics that a good friend should have towards the childhood friends and friends I encounter in life?

I must admit that I have not followed the steps enough. However, even if we cannot be good friends with each other, we must try to live together as good colleagues. If we can follow at least one or two of the seven criteria for good friends or the friendship ethics of the Sigalovada Sutta, we will be able to be good colleagues. Similarly, we need to consider and observe the reasons for the breakup of friendship.

We have many childhood friends and colleagues. However, friends are rarely seen. Nevertheless, we must bear in mind that even if we cannot have good friends, having good colleagues is important in our life.

(Jointlty translated by Nyan Tin and Zaw Myint)